inexplicably soon to overflow.

“ilabas mo na yan..” -that’s what they’re telling me now..

I know and tell you what, I really want to let it out. I just can’t find time (busy kase ako kaya diko mahanapan ng oras. siyet)..Kung alam niyo lang, sana naging tae na lang ‘toh para madaling ilabas.. kaso hindi..

I need help.. echos.. but I really do.. I need help.. mabigat-bigat din kase ito.. pagtatawanan nyo lang din naman ako..

I am always used to keeping everything in me.. hangga’t kaya ko pang ilunok, i-hinga ng malalim, tumango-tango, umiling-iling, sige lang tapos sabay tawa (parang ngayon lang, in tears pero tatawa ako mag-isa kase parang mukantanga naman ako).. Tama rin nga un sinabi nila na pag mag-isa ka na lang, nun ka na naman ha-hunting-in ng reality..

Sa ngayon ang kaya ko lang gawin eh ilista lahat ng gusto ko gawin para aliwin ang sarili ko.. almost full na kase un “container” ko sa loob eh (papagod din ako)..

• Gusto ko sumigaw ng malakas, kahit ano.
• Gusto ko mag-Videoke nang mag-Videoke.. pipiliin ko un mga kantang may sigaw sa bandang dulo..para magawa ko un unang nakalista..
• Gusto ko maglaro sa Timezone, mag Tom’s World, basta gusto ko maglaro
• Gusto ko tumalon-talon at tumakbo-takbo freely na hindi ko kelangang alalahaning bente-kwatro anyos na ako’t kelangan nang mahiya..
• Gusto sumakay ng Jungle Log Jam, tapos sisigaw ulet ako pag pababa na ng pinaka-matarik na fall..
• Gusto kumain nang kumain, magpakabusog, hanggang sa mag-burp nang bonggang-bongga
• Gusto ko manuod ng cartoon movie – Ice Age 3, etc.. (kahit solo flight pwede na)
• Gusto ko ng pagkaka-abalahan – cross stitch, puzzle, basa ng libro ni Bob Ong, etc
• Gusto ko magsulat literal
• Gusto ko ng hugs.. maraming hugs, malaking hugs
• Gusto ko manggigil
• Gusto ko sumuntok, gusto ko magbasag ng pinggan (alam ko dito sa Pinas meron atang venue na pwede ka magbasag eh..

Above all, gusto ko na sya “ilabas” (if you know what i mean) sa paraang alam ko.. at nang ma-relieved na ako (kumbaga sa LBM, “success” na after).. tae naman o.. kanino ko ba ilalabas ito..

Sa ngayon, ganito na lang muna.. lunok at one time, hingang malalim on the other, tango-tango, iling-iling, nakakapagod honestly, pero keri pa..
*sigh*
Tawagin na lang kita pag di ko na kaya..

gotoxy

“GotoXY is a function or procedure that positions the cursor at (X,Y), X in horizontal, Y in vertical direction relative to the origin of the current window. The origin is located at (1,1), the upper-left corner of the window.” –http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_gotoxy

Goto.. hmm dati, i just can’t remember if this is in Pascal Prog’g.. na when you are writing chronologically, tapos merong step na you have to repeat, you just have to do “Go to ” para shortcut na.. wala lang..

I just suddenly thought of this word “gotoxy” when a long-haven’t-seen-for-a-long-time friend popped a message in YM kaninang hapon..

Ang una nya kaseng tanong eh ano na daw ba ang balita kay first_name last_name na ex nyang close friend ko.. gets mo..?

Honestly, nagulat ako.. kase nga out of nowhere eh biglang ganun.. after more or less 4 years ago na mula nung alam nyo na… hehehe..

Honestly, gusto ko nga sila asarin ulet.. kase when they were still together, i really loved their tandem..

Honestly, told that person this “eh kung kayo na lang ulet?”..

Honestly, natuwa ako sa thought na maging sila ulet.. pero suddenly i felt sad, scared, and i don’t know..

*I’m being gagz once again.. engot, where are you..?*

Di ko actually alam why I felt sad, eh tipong kung may fans club lang ang tandem nila when they were still together, ako na ang president dun.. and every time na makakatext ko kahit na sino sa kanilang dalawa, eh talagang kinukulet ko ang isa na maging sila na nga lang kaya ulet… kahit na ilang beses narin akong nasagot ng ka-chat ko na “malabo yun. naalala ko lang talaga sya kaya ko natanong..”

pero.. kanina.. it felt different.. *charot*…. ewan ko ba..

Suddenly i asked myself and wrote a shout out: “why do there have to be gotoXyz, pwede bang diretso abc na lang..?” ..sa isip ko ang ibig sabihin “baket ba kelangan pang bumalik ng mga ex (kung may gusto mang bumalik)” .. “un past, past na un..”.. “pag nag-ayawan na, ayawan na..” ..”hindi ba pwedeng after ng yesterday, wag na balikan at focus na lang sa today, and the next day, then the day after the next..?” ..

Gets nyo..?

Nung una, pagkabasa ko ng pakikibalita nya.. sa totoo lang parang ayaw ko replyan.. pero di ko alam how I kept on teasing them when I don’t like teasing them anymore..

Ang hirap naman..

A few hours later after I texted first_name last_name tungkol sa pangungumusta sa kanya ng ex nya, eh nakareceive ako ng reply “Bkt daw cya nagtatanong skn?”.. sinagot ko ang tanong, then I went on again to teasing them “eh sabi ko nga sa kanya na kayo na lang kaya ulet..” ..

again.. why am I still teasing them when I don’t like teasing them anymore…

“Ngek. Hehe” –the only reply I got back..

pero teka, baket ba ako nahihirapan dun..? *sigh*

not about..

^not about^

it’s not about how work seems to be so easy for you
it’s about how hard you work for it..
it’s not about how early you come in
but how motivated you are to come early..

it’s not about the amount of mistakes you make
but about the weight of lessons learned
it’s not about how little you know
but it’s how wisely you put it to use..

it ’s never about who you are
but it’s about what you’re made of..
and it’s never about what you have become
but about everything you did to become who you are..

^_^

-jOkel

server down.

Server Down. otistik mode. Hindi ko alam kung sadyang may pagka-otistik lang talaga ako, o talang may sira lang talaga pag-iisip ko..

Have you ever felt so down.. super down.. that you started crying and worse is that you don’t even know what the exact reason is..?

Have you ever felt so sad.. super sad.. that you can’t even say something because you know that once you start to explain, you’ll only burst to tears even before you can say “kase….” ?

Maybe because…………..

Have you ever felt even for once, that you don’t deserve to have the good people that you already have because you think that they’re too good for you..? and that you least deserve their goodness..?

This day (and the past few days actually).. I have..

Felt super sad.. felt like my own “server” is down.. for reasons undefined (even to me).. but honestly, I am guessing that I know the reason why, I am just not that brave, enough to tell anyone what it is…

Maybe this quote is true: “I know I deserved my enemies.. but I don’t think I deserved my friends”

Otistik mode. Maybe this is what happens when you’re stressed. I don’t know.

And I still don’t know why I am thinking and feeling this way.. siguro pagod lang ako.. pwedeng nitotopak lang ulet ako..

My friends are too good for me.. (o wag lumaki ang ulo.. masasaktan pisikal) ..they’re too good for someone as mentally-challenged as me (parang may sira lang sa utak) –matigas ang ulo, ayaw pag ayaw, “neknek mo” attitude..

They’re too good for me that sometimes I am beginning to hate myself for giving them a hard time –like, they want me to do a simple thing that I wouldn’t do.. minsan feeling ko “challenge” sa kanila ang ipagawa sa akin un alam nilang hindi ko gagawin, or alam nilang magdadalawang-isip akong gawin.. it’s like volunteering someone na gawin ang isang bagay na hindi mo pa siya nakikitang gawin un..and he won’t do it..

a Blacksheep. a Prodigal one. and I hate myself for being one..

I have always been like that.. I won’t do things every one is doing.. pag gusto mo, ayaw ko.. laging salungat.. sometimes you’d get me to follow you but I will only follow, I won’t lead.. because I don’t want to and I choose not to.. lagi kong rason “wag mo kong pilitin ang gawin ang isang bagay na ayaw kong gawin” (napaka-BAD noh..)–and that’s what makes me a “challenge” to some..

My server is still down.. I don’t know when will it be up again..

*Maybe I need a tek to fix it..

sooner or later..

sooner or later
things will happen as they should
worries will soon be faced
fears will soon be conquered

sooner or later
that fearful, sad, gray day will come
the day we have expected to happen later
but never wished that it be this soon. so soon.. as in ’soon’ with an ‘-er’.

nothing is perfect, i know
it is a fact that i have to accept as i grow
i know for a fact that sooner or later
we’ll realize that it’s all for the better

im worried, im afraid.. am not shy to tell you this
for the nth time i have let myself be attached
attached with the group i have grown to enjoy
that sooner or later i have to let go..

am too afraid but have to be prepared.
teaching myself to accept things, but still so scared
i hate goodbyes even if it’s for the better
i know it will come, but i still pray it’ll be later than sooner..

i spell the group’s name as h.o.m.e
because it already became my family
and if there’s anything i could to prevent things to happen
w/o doubt id do it, but we know there’s nothing about this that we can

im wishing for the best, but expecting the worse
praying that one day there’ll be a flash report
that noone’s going to leave yet, never, not again, not anymore..

Your Choice. Your Call. Your Fate. Your Life.

^^022609^^

There was this story that I have heard many times from different story-tellers (priests, pastors, random people, and even read it somewhere) about a man who was having a hard time deciding what career to choose: to be a priest, or leave the seminary and start building his own family. He prayed one day that if someone comes up to him and give him flowers then he would stay in the seminary and become a priest, but if no one comes up, then he would have to leave (actually, im not really sure about what the second condition really was). And so, after he prayed, as he went outside the church, there was a child who ran up to him and gave him sampaguita (? –am I making up stories? Haha.. sakyan nyo na lang..hehe), then he thought that, that maybe the answer to his prayers—God may be telling him through the child that he should stay. But just after a few seconds, a woman came up to him to “bless” and told him “ang gwapo nyo naman father, sayang”.. whoa!

The man ended up leaving the seminary.. hehehehe

..the way I tell the story may not be as exact as how the others who knew it well, did.. but I hope you somehow understand what the story is trying to teach us..

They say that asking for signs is a SIGN of weakness in faith.

Some of us are used to asking for signs because we believe that signs tell us what He really wants for us.

*Guilty as charged*. Ehem ehem.. hehehe

2 nights ago (that was on Wednesday, 2/25’09), when I read the first few pages of my newly-bought book by Bo Sanchez entitled “How To Find Your One True Love, I realized that no matter what the signs are and how those signs are revealed to us, at the EOD, we will always be the one to choose.

I remember what Bo shared in the book, about the time he was facing the same decision-making situation as above.. He was praying for the right path to choose: the path to celibacy, or the path to having his own family and serve God in the ways he knows well. He even went on a 3-day retreat to have his prayers answered, with only a priest with him. His prayers were answered on the third day. It’s when he thought he heard these two simple words:

“You choose.”

..hehe.. Upon reading those two words, I repeated it to myself while imagining how God looked like when He told Bo those..

Actually as I am writing (rather typing.. hehe) in this minute I am imagining God with one eyebrow raised, and a smile, slightly bending to me while saying “You choose Jokel, Ako bahala pramis.. Madaming pramis”

And to quote a line from Bo’s book.. this is what Fr. Manoling (the priest he was with) told him:

“We think that God’s will is found out there, somewhere in the stars. That’s not true. God’s will is found within. Ultimately, God’s will is your deepest desire.”

dyokjoc: “eh..Lord, deepest desire ko si ano.. suportahan niyo kaya ako..? hehe.. joke lang!”

GodBlessEveryone!

boat a-float

“boat a-float”

No storm can destroy my sail,
No water can sink my boat..
No rain can blurr my sight,
My faith will keep me a-float..

No wind can blow me down
No leader can make me kiss the ground
No person deserves my tears
Only HIM who washes away my fears..

No tune can make me dance
No song can make me sing
No one can really know my weakness and pacify my sadness
Only HIM and the feel of HIS presence..

No one has ever made me write this way
Never have i written something like this but today
Nothing has ever made me love what i do
Im now doing all this not because I have to..

No storm can destroy my faith
No water can sink my hopes
No rain can wash my joys away
Coz I will trust and give or leave everything up
in HIS Hands starting today..

a few hours of your day versus a whole of mine..

-*/020509/*-

i have been able to adjust my time, even share my whole day several times and would sometimes take a day off work..today is the only time that i really can’t..and it’s sad to know that they can’t even sacrifice a few hours of their time for me..

ang lungkot pala talagang marealize na minsan kung anong kaya mong gawin para sa ibang tao lalo na close friends mo, eh hindi nila magawa kahit man lang katiting nung extent ng ginawa mo.. baka akala niyo nanunumbat ako for feeling this way.. but I’M NOT.. dumating na lang siguro sa point na yung observation ko eh nagiging consistent.. kumbaga sa expression “parang nakakahalata na ako ah”..

i have not been tired of going extra mile just so makumpleto un mga taong gusto ko maging kumpleto sa isang specific day.. i have also gone a long mile just so i can attend a friend’s “Big Day” tipong extra mile na un for me dahil ako yun tipong tamad talaga magfile ng leave.. lalo na kung kakaroll-in ko palang..but i have done that saying na by hook or by crook hindi niyo ako mapapapasok sa araw na yun, magwawala ako.. i have done those without IFs, without BUTs, without hesitation.. only to discover that they can’t even give me 4 – 5 hours of their time..

“Business is Business” –so they say.. grabe namang business yan di pwedeng isara ng mga 6:30 or 7pm for one day? eh 7 days-a-week tapos more or less 12 hours nakabukas yang business na yan..?? ako nga willing akong pumasok ng sobrang aga para 530pm wala nako sa building ng office just for this day.. tapos hihiritan ako ng kung pwede 11am na lang para kumpleto tayo? ..in all those times na dapat din kumpleto kame pinilit ko sila, pero it’s either hindi pwede dahil sa hindi daw talaga pwede, OR meron naman ipagpalit un araw na yun dahil sa biglang may pasok sya sa araw na dati pa nyang sinasabi off nya ang araw na yun..tapos ngayon sasabihin para kumpleto? friendship ring na pinagpalit sa ticket ng concert ni sarah geronimo, sinong hindi mapapamura jan..?

galit? hindi ako galit.. kase di ko rin namang kayang magalit.. at sa tuwing naiisip kong magalit naiiyak na lang ako..kase nga hindi ko magawang magalit… palilipasin ko na lang muna mga araw hanggang sa makalimutan ko na at topakin ulet ako ng maganda..

pero sa ngayon eto na muna ang sentiments ko–un narealize ko, na..

unfortunately, nobody wants to waste even a quarter of their time with me no matter how many times i’ve been willingly able to give my WHOLE DAY just to be with them..

..haaaaayyy..

am i too bad to post this..? whether or not im bad for posting this.. i wont care anymore.. bket ba, blog ko toh, akin toh.. charing!

aynako! talaga naman! ang hirap magalit pag mahal mo yun mga taong dahilan kung bakit ka nagagalit! di ko magawang magalit!

let the time heal this wound for about… hmm.. i dunno.. siguro pag napanuod ko na un seven pounds.. basta.. wag  muna tayo magkita..

kaya naman nilang kumilos ng wala ako, AKO lang naman ang hindi kayang gumalaw ng wala sila, rather nang mag-isa eh..

*minsan siguro kelangan ko na rin talagang matutong mag-isa..*

Blind Spot: ikaw ang api sa sarili mong nobela, ikaw ang bida sa sarili mong istorya

“ako ang api, ako ang tama.. kawawa ako, kinakawawa nila ako” –yan.. para kang kabayong isang direksyon lang ang pakialam -harap lang ang nakikita, wala nang kanan, wala nang kaliwa.. “ako lang ang dapat intindihin kase ako ang bida sa sarili kong kwento”

iba ang hindi mo makita, sa ayaw mong tingnan.. iba rin ang hindi mo makita sa nakikita mo na, pero ayaw mo lang tanggapin na kita mo na.. mahirap makita ang isang bagay lalo na kung nagbubulagbulagan ka lang.. gets mo ba?

isa pa..one more time.. magkaiba ang “hindi mo maintindihan” sa “ayaw mong intindihin” ..yan.. gets mo na..?

minsan, when we feel that people around us don’t treat us nicely, we think that there’s something wrong in them.. na mali sila for treating us that way, na hindi nila tayo maintindihan kaya ganun treatment nila sa atin, na sila mga naglalakad na EWAN t tayo ang matino.. na sila ang may problema at hindi tayo..

hmm.. natural lang sa natural, at normal lang na isipin natin na tayo ang tama at sila ang mali sa pagtrato nila sa atin, normal lang ang isipin ang ganun kase nga mind set natin is “ako ang api, ako ang tama, ako ang nasa lugar”..

pero, have we tried to look at the situation not from the position where we are..? have we tried to be on other people’s shoes to realize that there are things we’ve been missing..? baka nga naman tama or may reason talaga sila for acting that way towards us..

pano nga naman natin makikita if we refuse to see things na nakikita ng iba.. pano nga naman natin maiintindihan kung ayaw naman natin talagang intindihin..

minsan para tayong mga kabayo lalo na pag ayaw na nating makinig sa mga sasabihin ng iba.. isang direksyon lang ang nakikita.. kung ano ang nasa harapan un lang ang pinagtutuunan ng pansin.. the rest? blind spot na.. kung hanggang san lang ang abot ng tanaw natin, un lang at dun lang tayo may pakialam..

diko alam pero kumbaga sa picture.. let’s say picture mosaic.. kung titingnan mo lang talaga siya, isang muka or isang picture lang ang makikita mo at kahit na anong pilit sa’yo na there’s more to it than just a plain picture, hindi ka na makukumbinsi kase nga kung ano lang un nasa harap mo yun lang ang pake mo.. but if you’ll look at the picture more closely, you’ll discover and realize that there’s more to it pa pala..

yan ang natutunan ko sa Monalisa Smile, don’t just look at the picture, look behind the picture.. parang sa Patch Adams din na sabi nung isang matanda “try to see what others don’t see or refuse not to see”..

madami kaseng mga bagay na hindi natin nakikita at madalas ayaw nating tanggaping nakikita na natin un dapat nating makita.. one of the reasons for this is that ayaw natin malamang may mali rin tayo..

minsan feeling natin we already look good.. kase tayo un eh.. eto tayo, un pala may uling pala tayo sa muka.. ayaw nating maniwala sa iba na may dumi tayo.. alam natin malinis tayo kase hindi naman natin nakikita..

minsan kelangan natin matutunan na may mga bagay na nakikita ng iba na hindi natin nakikita.. at di natin makikita ito hangga’t di natin binubuksan un isip natin sa katotohanang hindi lahat alam natin tungkol sa sarili natin at sa ibang tao..

25 Random Things About Me

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

***************************************************************

1. Karol Jozef Wojtyla was elected Pope by the Cardinals and took the name John Paul II in 1978 on the same day I was born.. October 16..

2. I used to be a “daddy’s girl” –”daddy” being my lolo.. him, together with mommy (lola bait) used to steal me from my mama and papa when I was a baby because they want me to sleep with them during the night..

3. My Dadi’s (lolo) neighbor used to call me “kuntil” (kase i have that) when i was little and Dadi would get angry and tell that neighbor never to call me by that petname again.. hehe..

4. My first ever nickname was “ingke”.. (next bullet is the reason)

5. “Jocelle” was not supposed to be my name but pinky (eeewww), Dadi didnt want the name pinky for me (kase hello ang itim ko noh tapos ganun pangalan ko..siyet.. kamusta naman ang kabataan ko) , kaya dinaan nalang sa nickname na “ingke”..ehhehe

6. I am an only girl. Only girl sa apat na magkakapatid, and an Only Girl in a group of 10 loving boy friends in High School.. ako daw bunso nila..

7. I started to write poems when one day I suddenly felt like conversing w/ my lola in rhymes.. bawat sabi ko sknya may tugma na patula.. ..

8. The first school journal I joined was called “The Erudite”..and the first article I contributed was for the linggo ng wika..

9. I love to tell my friends about my first impressions on them..and I usually tell them about it kapag comfortable na ako sa kanila..

10. I love to be given testimonials/comments..

11. I have loved reading since I was in grade school.. di pa nag-uumpisa un school year, tapos ko na basahin lahat ng kwento sa Filipino (Pagbasa at Wika) at English books ko..

12. I hate reporting that’s why I took Computer Science..koneksyon?? kase sa Angelicum nung panahong iyon ilan lang ang courses na meron which were Education, Communication Arts, Computer Science, Information Tech. at Information Mgt., feeling ko kase pag Educ at CommArts ang kinuha ko maraming reporting dun malamang, kaya dun ako sa less talk.. hehehe

13. I can invent new words.. diko lam pero ang pagkakatanda ko nabuo ko ang word na “automobiliko” elementary palang ako.. and was surprised to see that word nung magcollege ako dun sa isang car repair shop or something na nadaanan ng jeep na sinasakyan ko papasok sa school..

14. In relation to inventing new words, I also love giving unique names to my things (dabig -name ng mininote, Mavi -name ng rubix cube from May and joVi), as well as calling some of my friends like “the bear” and “big bird”..hhahaa

15. Answering Bulletin Surveys is my Major Hobby.. hahaha..ndi naman obvious sa friendster diba..? hehhee

16. I can be a good researcher..hahha! kaya nga ang galing namin ni “kalabet” tuwing fridays eh..hahaha

17. I am an investigator in my own way.. when i want to know something, i do whatever it takes to know it.. proven it twice already..

18. I draw. atleast I know i can.. but i can only draw things or anything na puro curves ah.. like Pooh..

19. I have drawn Winnie the Pooh on a balloon na sumisingaw na ang hangin sa Microsoft Paint.. gamit lang ang mouse cursor shemps kaso nadelete ko na

20. August 28, 2009 -first time ko nagperform sa Naughty Strings (Tomas Morato) nung Acoustic Night ng ACCS (Angelicum College Computer Studies Society)

21. Im good at remembering dates..

22. ..that’s why i rarely forget to greet people on their Birthdays, and Anniversaries..

23. I also love celebrating Anniversaries of Friendships.. Dec.16,2002 -JEL’s (JokelEsteLau) Anniv., March 1 -siSkoh’s (Jokel and piYaps) Anniv

24. I dont need a calendar to take note all of the things that happened, is happening, and/or will happen.. (lam ko kung kelan mo nabili un book na binili mo nung kasama mo ko..i can trace kung kelan un..thanks to my memory.. .hehe)

25. ..muka lang akong nangangain ng tao.. pero hindi ako cannibal.. mabait ako.. , mababaw ang luha ko, mababaw ang kaligayahan ko (tipong isang testi lang masaya nko.. sige na please), im gloomy pero sweet, i love cuddles and hugs na mahigpit .. and lastly (totoo na to last na) my favorite thing to say or rather ask is “hala.. galit ka na..? sori na..? galit ka na ba?”

ang haba nung 25 noh.. hahha! bitin!!